I havent posted on here in a while and i feel so terrible about it but I've had a lot of stuff to od! I sweat to god i will post more fics up really soon! I'm like working on 3! Please be patient!

So what I should be doing is working on my paper for Survey but i just cant find myself doing it right now. i want to do well in school but right now i just dont care. Like i wish there was more for me then sitting and writing paper after paprer. its gets old and i'm sick of this. i want to do something that i want but what it is, i dont know. Hmmm

I havent posted or a while because, well, there's no need. I have nothing going on besides everything. Everyone is leaving and I really dont care, in fact, I'm showing them to the door. I'm not all sad and tearful that I'm losing friends, i dont care. I'm actually ok. i dont need anyone, I'll just od my own thing and when i want friends then I'l get em, i dont need losers and assholes for friends. Most of them have pissed me off so I'l justy chill and et them roll out. It doesnt bother me at all. Kinda sad reay but me giving up my love comes with a price. I dont know if I'm over her but w/e it doesnt matter anymore because i have my music and my story and that's really all i need. .....I hope.

I've given up but I'm still fighting, it's weird. Stuff that would normally freak me out just doesnt. I just want to fight someone but i know better, I've been trained well so I'l sit here and just rant over and over again. Not being able to do anything at all. 

I'm thinking of things that normal kids shouldnt think about. This isnt right. it's thinking one unhealthy things to another but i cant stop. I'm not depressed by this thinking but i know it's wrong and i know it's sick but i cant stop it. Just like i couldnt stop thinking about her.is there no end to this madness?

Nothing new is happening, everything is the same. Nothing is accomplished but i want that soon to change. i want to be rash and do whatever my heart wants it to but that could send everything ablaze but as of ight now i'm caring less and less so I might do what i wanted to do at the end of the year. Maybe i will. maybe i wont. but i have to find my purpose in this messed up place.

She's like an ddiction...i just cant stop. That's the only reason why i work so hard because in the end i really dont care about anything, i mean it varys but i want to just work hard...for her. Ya know? and i cant stop, I've tried, no one even understands how hard I've tried but I just cant quit her. I cant.
nothing else seems to matter, everything is so trival and so pointless compared to her...it's just...ugh. I wont say or do anything because i've been trained better and i know I'm going to get burned and besides, she's happy and i wouldnt say I'm happy but i'm here and that's all that matters. All i want is for her to be happy. i cant let myself become greedy. I just have to do what I can no matter what the cost.

Well nothing really has been happening since I last posted....i mean it's offical, we HAVE to move. But other than that it's been pretty boring around here. Writing potery, working on school shizzz and just doing whatever.
Ihave a newfound obession with Brian and Zacky for A7X, they're totally a couple I mean just look at them.

Need i say more? I mean come on, Zacky just looks like he sucks dick. Pffffffft.

But in anycase, i havent been up to too much so there's not a lot to say besdies I may be moving into a crack part of T-town so fml.

I just...dont know what to do, we might get kicked out of our house (it's getting forecolsed on) and i just dont know where I'm going to go and if I'll even be in the same school. My mom says she wants to keep us with all of our friends but I could really care less about that. I just want to keep my dogs and though she drives me off the deep end...i dont want to leave her. Putting my love for her aisde, I just dont feel comfotable in leaving her behind. Everyone else agervates me and not saying that she doesnt but...i dont know, I want to leave here. Run far away as possible but I never thought i would be alone doing it.
So, our house...I dont know where we'll move to. Sure friends may take me in but i dont want to bother them and I just dont care anymore, i dont want anyone to take care of me. I dont know where we'll go but we're probally getting kicked out soon so we need to think of a game plan or else we'll be out on the streets. I really dont want to tell anyone about this because I mean what are they going to do? Nothing. Yeah i know. It's just....not even worht it. But if i do move away there is one thing i want to do, one thing i will amek sure i do, even it everyone turns on me and even if i have to force myself to do it. I wont leave on terms like they are. even if i do leave I will amke sure that at least once person will remember me, even if it's for a little while. I dont know how I will get out of this stciky situation, maybe i will, maybe i wont.
Our landlord wont fix things that NEED to be fixed and she's not paying the rent to the bank so the house now hasa forecloer notice on it. Great right? So everyone that hates me i may be going away, i dont know yet. I'm going to try and think of some way to squeak by.

Ugh. Nothing much has been going on and I havent really done anything at all...but not only am I being a lazy ass, I've come to relize that I really want my lip perirced. Like really bad. I think I'm gonig to do that for my birthday...Yes, it will look hot. :D EHHH!!! I want percings really bad!!!

Yet, again, I'm played for a fool. Sure it bothers me and I dont know why i keep doing this to myself. I've run out of excuses and I'm running out of patience. I cant take being fucked with. I'm losing ym friends and nothing intrests me anymore. Nothing. The one person that could jumpstart my heart isnt with me so I'll have to dealwith being like a corpse. I'm not sad or suicidle. Just here. AndI'll kepp doing what I want, i dont care how many other people I lose. 

So...this is intersting....this morning I looked in my email mailbx thingy and low and behold there was an emial from her. I was expecting myself to be mad but i was really just suprised and I still believe I've drempt it all, so I saved i on my computer, just for evidence. And if i doubt myself then to read the email. She seemed sensire and...I dont know. I believe her but I'm  kinda afraid too. i should know better and...ugh. I just want this to turn out ok. I really do. i dont want anything bad to happen to her and i dont want to cut my wrists like every five seconds and i want to keep it that way. I have to admit something: I miss her. A lot. Everything I miss and would give anything to have it back. even in a friend way, actually i would rather have her back in a friend way.  Life is harder without her but i know i can make it through....but i dont want to do it without her. And at this point, I wont. I'm reaching her just  a little bit and  I have to keep pushing through. For my sainty. For my sake and for hers. I've accepted that i cant live without her and that....that's something I've been struggling with but as of right now I'm alrght. I'll make it through and I'll be ok. At least i hope so

=D